Home is a four letter word.

"Just know that wherever you go, you can always come home" - 93 Million Miles, Jason Mraz.

Life has never been easy and truth is ugly. Sometimes my road seems like a dead end, or a neverending maze with no way out. But when things are about to get worse, I'm glad to know there are always hands I can hold on to, shoulders to lean on to. Wonder how they're never tired of getting me back to the right track, wonder why they never give up.

But then, I couldn't be any more grateful than this.
I call them home. And just like love and life, home is a four letter word.

Sincerely, the lost and found. Big Time.

Very well, but..

One day, my cousin texted me and said, more or less, "Listen to this song." And then he sent me the song. It was a girl singing with a guitar, and the song was not familiar. It was beautiful though.

Then, just like what I always do everytime I discover a good song, I quickly googled it up. Wikipedia said, it was a popular old song, composed by Hoagy Carmichael in 1939 based on an old poem by Jane Brown Thompson. And here is the lyric, read carefully.

I Get Along Without You Very Well

I get along without you very well,
of course I do.
Except when soft rains fall and drip from leaves
then I recall
the thrill of being sheltered in your arms.
Of course I do,
but I get along without you very well. 

I've forgotten you just like I should,
of course I have.
Except to hear your name
or someone's laugh that is the same,
but I've forgotten you just like I should. 

What a guy,
what a fool am I
to think my breaking heart could kid the moon
What's in store?
Should I phone once more?
No, it's best that I stick to my tune. 

I get along without you very well,
of course I do.
Except perhaps in Spring,
but I should never think of Spring
for that would surely break my heart in two.

And I was like, what a poem! I don't mean to sound mellow or something, but it felt like reading someone's struggling after a horrible break-up, fighting one broken heart, and trying to feel fine when she's not. On her mind, she thinks she has moved on, while in fact she's not, just yet. Excepts and buts are sort of instruments to legitimate her feeling towards all of this moving-on things. And it got me thinking:

"Don't we sometimes act that way?"

Sometimes we pretend we're good, we try to believe everything's okay, while deep inside our heart there's uncertainty. We are just not really sure about what we feel.

Denial, denial, denial.

I'm not saying that we should give up or something, it is probably more like, why don't we sit back and admit that we are not fine?

Anyway, despite the ugly things, well done, Thompson, for describing how it (most likely) feels...

This dirty fully-written little paper is talking.

"Sometimes, when I'm trapped in a hard confusing nasty situation, I imagine myself as a dirty fully-written paper. There are a fine eraser and a brand new pencil coming their way to save me." - me.

And now I'm kinda waiting for them; my eraser and my pencil. This messy little paper is ready to be cleaned up, before it gets too late and the only way to save me is by tearing me apart.

But if it helps, why not?

Sometimes erasing will just leave that dirty spot on the paper. Sometimes writing on a used paper won't make it new and clean. It's a used paper after all. Replace it with the brand new one.

Then this whole little paper analogy gets me confused. Sigh.

This little paper,

But I do want it.

"What I want may not be what I need. Just let it go.." - What I Want, Ryan Calhoun

I want many things, many times, yet many times, universe won't give it to me. Then I'll keep saying to myself, like a broken record, like a wizard's spell: "what I want isn't always what I need." That means, the universe will get back to me someday and tell me "Here, I bring you what you need, eventhough you don't really want it. Eventhough you think it won't make you happy." and that's all I need, that's what's best..

Yes. I love it. I love the idea.

But what if, what if the universe is just postponing? What if what I want is what I also need? When must I stop and tell myself "this isn't what I need"?

I need to know whether I'm just being a spoiled little brat or I'm just fighting for something I deserve. Because there are times when I want something so bad like a child want an ice cream, and I don't feel like giving up till the universe give me a scoop of it.

Someone who do want it,

How to make you stay?

"People grow apart. Deal with it." - Quinn Fabray.

Really? So how can we keep some people to stay close? Because, apparently there are some people I always hope will always stay, while others may come and go.

Hear, hear, hear it, buddy. You are one of those some people.

miss you so bad,

Would you mind pausing the playlist for a while..

..the playlist there, at the bottom of this page, and enjoy this video below?

Well, it's not a video tho, only a recording with a picture of the latest Jason Mraz' album cover: "Love is A Four Letter Word".

My comment on this song is just.. genuinely true, Mraz :)

"I will not waste my days making up all kinds of ways to worry about some things that will not happen to me. So I just let go of what I know I don't know, and I know I'll only do this by living in the moment." - Living in The Moment, Mraz

We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things, We Share Everything..

"Live high, live mighty, live righteously, let's take it easy.." - Live High, Jason Mraz

It's been a while since my last post. If my blog were human, he must have been mad at me and found himself a new lover. Ha. Now, why I consider my blog as a "he"? Anyway, I'm a mess. Well, doesn't come out right tho, yet I can't find any other word to dscribe my condition *unhappy face*. Some aspects in my life seems so messy, and there's just something missing in my life now, I can't quite figure what it is. And in time like this, my time machine is one of my medicines.

Yes, my time machine is music. And now it's called "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things", an album by Jason Mraz.

Perhaps, my little reunion with this album is part of my excitement of his coming back here to Jakarta for his world tour this June (I'm talking about Jason Mraz). Partly. Mostly, it's just I miss those days; those days when this album sort of shares my life, in an amazing way. In an aMRAZing way, I must say.

It brings me to couple years ago. Well, when your present life seems to be so messy, you'll look at your past time and wonder how you could go back there and stay for a while, or simply rewind it and let it flow once again to today. I used to listen to the album like a lot. A lot, like there's no other song, no other artist, no other album.

This album brings me to the moment I first saw him, Mraz, live in concert. It was in 2008, and the album was still fresh from the oven. I remember how hard it was just to get his ticket. I remember how it was sold out just hours before I intended to buy it. I remember how finally they came up with an additional show on the next day and how I was very grateful of that! I finally got to see him after spending days (literally) crying on my bed. Haha. Does it sound like fangirling? Ah, but it's Jason Mraz.. Best part of the show, which was held as part of the annual Java Jazz Festival 2008, I got to see the show with my sister and my two best friends. Yes, we had joy, we fun, we had season in the sun, as Terry Jacks put it. Do I miss the moment? Yes sir, yes sir.

And that, my friend, is just one of a million memories I miss so much. It's amazing how songs can remind you of some little things that feel so big, isn't it? It's like when I listen to "If It Kills Me", one song from the album that directly tells about a man being in love with a woman yet can't say it out loud. I remember how I used to play the album till I fell asleep, and woke up at for 4 am or so and found out that my playlist was playing this song. Listening to the song, that quite represented my feeling at that time (lol), at 4 am was just.. epic.

Another song of his called "Lucky" quite reminds me of.. no, I'm not gonna tell you about a past relationship of mine; I wanna say that it reminds me that I used to go karaoke-ing.. through Youtube.. a lot! And this "Lucky" is my fave sing-a-long song. I remember I sang it a lot with some random guy on youtube that happened to record himself singing the Jason's part so other can sing the Colbie's part. Now that you figure it out, I kinda have a recording of me and this virtual guy nailing the duet. Haha. No, I'm not gonna show you. Though it sounds like I had too much spare time that moment.. no. I just knew many ways to have fun.

And "Detail In the Fabric", a song by the fantastic duo, JM - Jason Mraz and James Morrison, reminds me a lot of my online activity those days; how I spent time blogging, how I did lots of chit-chat with my long lost bestfriends. I have no idea how, but turns out I listened to the song a lot while blogging and stuff. Maybe it's simply because the song appeared on my blog. Now that I mention it, I miss that me-time alone with my blog though it means hello to sleepless nights. Ah, old days..

And clearly this album brings me back to those happy campus life, when all I do was having fun between classes with my besties, when assignments were as fun as a playground. Taking about how those assignments and tests stressed us out, yet we still can spend time for messing around like a boss! The joy of being the first and the second year students!

Not to mention, every song lyric had affected my life. Not only did it cheer me up and boost my mood and spirit, but also, as I told you before, it kinda shared my life story at that very moment. I'm not sure how Mraz did it. It feels that every song there could represent my feelings; my every feeling. Some described me. Some describes me. So much. Precisely. Yeah, now I feel like hugging the album....

Life goes on, life change. People change, for better, for worse, or just change for good. I believe I'm the one who said this: "those precious memories are precious because we simply can't go back to them." Stay precious, memories.. :")

Now I'm listening to Mraz' newest album "Love is A Four Letter Word", and eventho Mraz is no longer the man with short hair and fedora hat (which I miss so much!) and no longer singing with his sidekick Toca (and I miss him too), I realize he is still the guy who shares love through his music.

Well, did I say I'm a mess? Not sure if my life's messy or I just miss... :')

Get back to the reality now, shall we?

Missing.

"And today.. I'm officially missing you.." -Tamia

Have you ever missed somebody so much? Not in a lover kind of way, but in bestie kind of way. Not in a romantic kind of way; yet in craving-for-a-nice-crappy-chit-chat kind of way. Well..