Leave me alone.

"There is a conversation I need to have with me. It's just a moment to myself." - A Moment To Myself, Macy Gray

Sometimes I'm trapped in this kind of situation; I feel like everything goes wrong, like everything I do is a mistake. Sometimes I feel like I can't be the real me and I'm not allowed to be; I feel like nobody really appreciates me or cares about me. Or simply understands me. And then I will reach the point where I realize that nobody cares, appreciates, and understands me as much as myself does. Then I'll pull me out of the crowded world for a while. Spending a quality time with myself, like having a DVD-marathon and a bowl of snack or simply shuffling my music player and singing along the songs, will indubitably heal me. I need that private talk with myself; I need that moment when I'm able to bond with myself. Sometimes, under some certain circumstances, that moment of me and myself seems to be just perfect.

We all need it; we all need that private moment; the private zone that nobody can enter but ourselves. It's where nobody can ask us this and that or tell us to do this and that. It's where we can have things our way; where we can be a complete genuine version of ourselves. We can just boost our mood, reflect and review ourselves, so that we are prepared to go back to that 'another world' we should bear; the world that we have to share with others, the social being-ness that is also part of us.

By having the moment, it doesn't mean I'm running away from life. I'm just living my life as a fulltime social being and a fulltime individual.

There. Leave me alone.

Music is my private time-machine.

Last night, before I finally dragged myself into the dream world, I shuffled my music player. While listening to the songs one by one, without having any idea what song is gonna occur next, I was traveling to somewhere other than my bedroom, other than that present time.

Amazing, I can tell. A harmonious melody blended with a lyric can bring me to some places in the past. Of course not literally; figuratively. It did bring out some hidden memory that frankly I miss, or I thought I'd never miss.

Last night was the time when I realized one thing: past is not something that I've completely left behind. It's hiding somewhere in my memory. And a significant time machine can bring me to it out of the blue.

Mine is music.

Be better, but please don't change.

Funny, isn't it? We always want to be someone better than we are today, or we were yesterday. Life goes on, and we are supposed to grow up, not only physically but also mentally. But then, deep inside our heart, we want to stay the same. We don't wanna be somebody else; the other version of us.

And also that's what we exactly want from others; to be better yet stay the same.

Have you ever got bothered by someone else's filthy manner? Or have you ever been in a situation where you really want to change the whole thing? And have you ever wished someone or even yourself could be exactly the yesterday's person? I don't know which one is confusing; life or people. I assume, both are confusing. Life offers us some situations where we imagine that we (or others) will be able to make things better if we (or they) are better than yesterday. But then, life offers us some present situations where we are placed to think about every single memory we had in the past, and we end up missing the 'yesterday' people.

Then we wish getting better didn't need a change.

Or probably, we just wish that a little better change couldn't affect the whole body and soul.

Or we just wish we could control which part we want to change.

Or we just wish we could easily deal with these two things: the dark side which is possessed by every single person in the world and the change itself,

because we realize that both of them are frequently occur unexpectedly.

I feel you.. not.

"I feel you" and "been there" sometimes are the most comforting words I want to hear from somebody when I'm puzzled by confusing situation or feeling that I can barely explain. When I share my problem to my close ones and get one of these words as the reply, it sure can make me listen to what they're gonna say next. Perhaps, having someone who knows what it feels to be 'me' is what I need the most in that kind of situation.

But sometimes, after they give me their next words, I think that no, they don't really know what I feel. In some situation, I feel like they're just trying to comfort me without really putting themselves in my shoes. Sometimes I feel like they just give me some advice that I'm sure they themselves won't be able to do it. I don't mean to blame them or being ungrateful, but I just can't believe they really know what I've been through. It eventually turns into "I feel you.. not."

I'm not sure people can be exactly in the same situation as someone else. Exactly? The same? The word "exactly" when it's put together with "the same" will just become a convincing word to make others listen to the speaker. How can they really know how the situation is EXACTLY? I guess, nobody really knows but me. And God.

Or, perhaps I just get mad because they're right.. theoretically. In some cases, I know what my logic ask me to do. I know what I SHOULD do. It's just, when you're trapped in the real situation, doing what your logic say is sometimes hard, right? Although you know that it is right; genuinely true. When others tell me to do the same thing, and I know they're right, I just can't accept that because they're not in MY situation. Saying words are always easier than actually taking the action.

Or, perhaps I'm just being an emotional brat. Perhaps I just can't think logically, while they can. They're not in THIS problem; I am. That's why they can think clearly while I'm letting my emotion get involved too much.

Probably, they're just trying to put my mind at ease. Probably, they really feel me.. or not.

Alpha-Delta-Oscar-Romeo-Alpha-Bravo-Lima-Echo!

I don't feel like writing now. Instead, I want to share these cute tiny creatures I'd like to cuddle all the time :D

Name them! :D

In-(not-so-awe)some-nia.

Well, just ignore the confused time zone on my blog because it's definitely 3.23 am now, and I'm still sitting in front of my computer writing a post that probably will be postponed due to the fact that I have to meet my academic counselor in a couple hours. You know what, I had seconds thoughts about me having an insomnia because, hell no, I'm not having an insomnia.

At least, not the primary insomnia.

Well, I actually googled (what is actually the past form of google as verb *like anyone cares*? :/) the definition of the so-called insomnia, and here's what I got:

insomnia: is a condition.. ah okay, you can just click here.

In brief, it tells us about the primary and secondary insomnia (guess soon we'll have the under-grad and post-grad insomnia?). Primary insomnia is when people have insomnia because they just have it, while the secondary one means that it's just becoming the side effect of things like medicines, caffeine, depression, or another sleep disorder.. and it includes a change in sleep routine. Well I'm probably under the magical effect of caffeine since I had a big cup of coffee couple hours ago, but I'm thinking of the most possible current problem I have: a change in a sleep routine.

Oh noes. It's about habit. And everybody knows that staying up so late is not a good idea for health. And now I'm doing a filthy habit of not taking a good night sleep. Instead, I've just finished a DVD marathon and now I'm blogging about blogging-at-3-am-is-not-a-good-decision-and-do-not-do-this-at-home.. and I'm actually doing it.

It's all about habit. It's the very bad one; something that should be erased out forever from my entire life. Duh :(

And people, I know you (or probably your significant others, or just your twitter buddies, or some strangers in the bus) are having the same problem.

I just want to remind you that having a good night sleep and wake up totally feeling fresh in the morning is a real blessing. And of course, you'll get less puffy eyes and dark circles.

And, I'm wasting that blessing.

And I'm not postponing posting this post. I keep writing instead. And I still have to meet my academic counselor. Like soon.

Oh you nasty in-(not-so-awe)some-nia.

Decision, decision.

I'm kinda stressed now. Actually I don't know whether using the word "stressed" will exaggerate the whole thing, but yeah, I'm in such a dilemmatic condition where I have to pick. And this is about which subject I should take for the whole semester. Means that it has something to do with the whole semester; my whole life in that semester. I've asked many people for their advice. But I realize one thing, in the end, nobody but me who decides.

There. In life, we'll find many things that will place us in a dilemma. We'll need some advice from others especially those who really understand the situation and have experience with it. But then, in the end, we have to make our personal decision.

And the best thing of it is that decision will affect nobody but ourselves. Either good or bad the result is, either hard or 'easy' (though nothing's in life is 'easy'), it's us who will live it; who feel and actually do it.

In the end, you decide.

Or you decide to be decided by others.

But do you really want others to decide it for you, while it won't affect them but you?

Hey, open-minded folks.

Talking about Twitter, I enjoy reading my timeline so much. Not what I tweet, but what people-I-follow tweet. Twitter is a place where people can say many things about almost everything, and apparently, they can also comment on almost everything. In twitter, we can also find many people who are open-minded, and really think that they are open-minded.

Frankly, I don't know what open-minded is. What kind of thing that those open-minded people think about? Stuff that doesn't come across the others' mind? Stuff that is one-of-a-kind? Or vice versa, stuff that most people think is true? Or stuff that most people think is cool to do, like.. I don't know.. hating the Bieber boy and cursing him? Lols.

Back to the topic. Seriously, people, I don't know what open-minded thing is. All I know is that sometimes I find people (in my timeline) who sarcastically comment on others' tweet and judge them as shallow-minded. As if, what they (the so-called open-minded people) say is the one single truth in this freaking world. As if, others should have the same idea as theirs. As if, they rule the universe.

Seriously, what is open-minded? Is being open-minded actually a new version of being shallow? *shrug* It could be..

Because you're female.

One day at a canteen, long long time ago.

"F%^&!"

"Hey you stop that! Why cursing?"

"I'm mad. I'm sorry. It was out of my control."

"You're female. Women don't curse."

Another day at a canteen, couple of years ago.

"Is she smoking?"
"Yeah."

"That's bad! She's a woman."

Another day at a canteen, couple of months ago.

"Ah really you did that?"

"Yeah? Why?"

"You're female. That's too aggressive."

Another day at a canteen, almost forget when.

"We are women. In the end, we have to learn how to cook."

Tell me. Tell me what we should and should not do, JUST because we are female.

That LOL moment.

Sometimes I don't get when and how we're supposed to used LOL, one of the famous overused texting words. If it actually means LOL = Laughing Out Loud, then why we sometimes use it for something that is NOT funny. Check this:

"What's up, buddy?"

"Not good, lol."

"Why? What happen?"

"I cut my fingers and practically have no fingers anymore."

"Ouch, that's bad."

"Yeah, lol."

Okay, perhaps that was a bit exaggerated. What about this:

A: "Why are you still up this late?"

B: "I don't know. I guess there's something wrong with my recent sleep pattern. lol."

A: "Care to join?"

B: "I'd love to but I can't. This assignment is killing me. lol."

A: "It was fab! You should've come. I met blah blah blah and blah. And blah, because blah blah blah..."

(and 5 mins later)

B: "lol"

True story.

Oh come on. What does LOL mean? If we use lol that much, in almost every case, then I prefer LOLS; Laughing Out Loud Sarcastically. Oh yes I am.

Do you really need that Time-Machine? Do you?

Almost everyone, if can't simply say: everyone, is dreaming of a time-machine. Some say, they want to fix something in the past. Some say, they want to go back to some memories. Others say, they want BOTH of them. The question is "do you really need the time-machine?"

Not really.

First of all, past, those bittersweet memories, is all yours and forever be yours. Will everything stay the same if you go back and fix some parts of it? Of course not. And, will it be better if you fix them? I can say: absolutely no, it won't. I sometimes sigh because of my past, but then I'm back to what I believe, everything happens to me is the best that can happens to my life. There's no need to change, to fix. Even those that we think are supposed to be fix, they actually are fine; just the way they are. Mistakes are so normal and precious. Mistakes are there so we can learn to be stronger, to be more patient, to appreciate life more.. and of course, to not repeat the same mistake.

And what about those good memories, those precious things that we always want to repeat? It seems nice to be there again, doesn't it? Yeah, it's nice, but have you ever thought why they're so precious? Why they keep hanging on our mind? Well, it's simply because we can't go back to them; that's what makes them so precious.

Do we need that time-machine? Told you, not really. But needs and wants.. they're two different things, right?

Living like a yellow square sponge.

Two posts in a day? Wow! Yeah, I feel like writing a lot. Perhaps, I'm gonna take a 2-day off after this. *no, just kidding*

By the way, do you know Spongebob? Let me give you a hint:

He's Spongebob. I suppose everybody knows him.

Have you ever imagined living his life? I have, once. I think it would be nice to live like Spongebob. I'll tell you why:

1. "I'm ready!!!" - Spongebob

Spongebob is such an energetic and optimistic man (sponge?). This is his favorite line to start the day or any work that he has to do. Being such an optimist in this can-be-very-mean world is not an easy job. I don't know about you, but I personally sometimes find myself trapped in the pessimistic part of me. It's like when I wake up in the morning and find something's going wrong, sometimes I'll turn sceptical and spiritless, before I can finally find myself again to say "I'm ready". Yeah, that's life; ups and downs; but then, being a Spongebob who always says "I'm ready" towards everything will be nice though.

2. "Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good." - Spongebob

Spongebob is always nice to others, no matter how bad they treat him. Remember Squidward, the squid who sometimes (often) treats him bad? Despite him being so innocent, Spongebob is always nice to Squidward. Sometimes, it will end up annoying, but yeah, Spongebob never intends to make him mad. Spongebob is just nice and wants everybody to be happy. That simple. Most of the time, he cares of others' happiness more than his. Can we be like Spongebob; put others' happiness on the top of the priority list - and be happy because of it? It will be very nice. Very very nice.

3. "If I were to die right now, in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be ok." - Spongebob

For Spongebob, friends and family are probably the most important part of his life. For the sake of it, he would love to sacrifice his life. He's also easy to forgive them - and also forget their mistakes. People -many people- may say they love their family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, children.. but sometimes it's hard to forgive them when they make a fatal mistake. Probably they can forgive, but not forget. It's okay, we're human, that's normal (and that's probably just an excuse). But anyway, forgive and forget and love with all the heart.. it's nice, right?

4. Spongebob: "What do you usually do when I'm gone?" Patrick: "Waiting for you to come back."

Beside being a good friend for his friends, Spongebob have many good friends too. And they are devoted to him. They never leave Spongebob, no matter how silly and stupid he can be. Isn't it nice to have people like them, to accept you just the way you are? Isn't it nice to be waited for - like always?

5. "Well, secretly, I'm a little bit naive." - Spongebob

AHA! It's his secret weapon. Being naive is one way to be happy, cause basically happiness is a state of mind. When you're being naive, you will only keep nice things on your mind, and you'll stay happy. Curiosity sometimes (often) kills you (and your cat), so does knowing-too-much. Thus, ignorance is a bliss. Wise men say being naive won't solve any problem because the most important thing is the ability to perceive reality. Well said. We can say that reality bites, we have to deal with it to stay alive.. but please, do admit it, being naive and only accepting anything good as reality and staying happy is just too nice to be true, right? ;)

Living like a yellow square sponge seems to be nice. There's nothing but happiness. The thing is, which one do you choose? Being happy.. or being realistic? What is this life about?

I don't know. But I prefer my life though; nothing can replace :)

Live to share, baby. Live to share.

"I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on. So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end." - The Remedy (I Won't Worry), Jason Mraz.

I believe we, all together, are placed in this world with a reason.. or many. And I believe there's also a reason why we are here as social beings who need one and another. Then, I don't get why people can be so greedy and stingy.

I don't get why people can be so much in love with money and keep it to themselves. Oh hell yeah, we need money, I'm not being hypocritical here. I just don't get why then they become so crazy about money; like they want more and more, like enough is not enough, like there's nothing left for others. I don't get why people work hard to earn some money and they keep it for themselves for a very long time and never use it. What's the point? In the end, will you leave this freaking world along with your money? Will you?

I don't get why people keep their knowledge to themselves. I know some people who are brilliant, smart, who always get good grades, but they are too busy improving themselves. They learn and learn so much, study and study, but then they keep it for the sake of their own academic achievement,.. and what's the point of that? Is it harmful to share your knowledge? Will you lose it all? Are you 'really' improving if you're not sharing it with others? Are you?

I don't get why people keep their love to themselves. They forget to love others, they just love themselves instead. They hurt others, they're being so rude and harsh to others, they're being mean and selfish. What's the point of not sharing love? Don't you want to be loved by others?

I don't get why people keep many things, things that they can share with others actually, things that don't last forever, things that are just loaned to them; same with life. You don't own your life. Somebody lent it to you, and someday that somebody will take it back.

"..So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end.."

In the end, keeping them all for years to yourself means nothing.

You'll leave with nothing.

Between a beautiful lie and an ugly truth.

"People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to." - Barney Stinson

Which one do you choose: a beautiful lie or an ugly truth? Once you choose, will you be consistently stick with your choice?

Wise men say that the most bitter truth is still more precious than the sweetest lie. Some say that an ugly truth hurts, but a beautiful lie hurts more. The next question will be: really? They don't mention that people should figure out that a lie is a lie. They have to find the truth first. Thus, they know that they're being lied. Thus, they can be hurt. Unless, people will be just fine embracing that beautiful lie.

So what is it between a beautiful lie and an ugly truth?

I guess it's all about a state of mind.

For me, it's all about not-knowing anything, not being told the lie nor the truth.

My second thoughts.

Waiting for someone is the nicest thing you can do, if they want you to wait. Unless, you’ll turn their life into hell. And yours too.

Poems and lyrics you wrote may look so stupid couple months later. That's when you realize that, well, they are stupid.

And, in the future, the future you will look and laugh at you for being so silly. And she will say, "I told you".

Then she will find someone who is truly the one. There. She will eventually understand that everything happens for a reason. The future you will be very grateful for those chances of being such a fool.

Just saying ;)

Degree of comparison.

Have you ever compared yourself with others; your sisters, your brothers, your friends, your bestfriends, or even your best enemies. Have you?

Or.. do you? Do I?

And when I realize, I've already made myself move around them. There. I'm the moon and they're my earth. That's genuinely miserable. But I keep doing that. And unconsciously I keep looking down on myself. And I can't help it.

Either I'll lose my way or I'll try hard to find someone else's way - not mine. I'm telling you, both are pathetic.

What is the point of trying hard to be better than others? It's like I'm trying to be a better them. I'm better; but I'm not me. I'm becoming a good, a better, and the best version of someone else. That's when my heart starts screaming "hey, can I talk to me, myself?"

Life is a competition and sometimes I define it as competing with others. I'm only slowly turning myself into an idiot. There's no winner nor loser. Only idiots.

Truth is I can compare myself with nobody but me. And yeah, that's the most important yet challenging thing in life: to be the best version of myself.

Have you compared yourself with yourself?

Have you?

Oh I get this on my brain.

Fact is that I am now lying on my bed while it's almost 3 am. I get this on my brain: What is stalking? Why do you stalk?

Sitting in front of your computer with a window of someone's social network website opened and wasting your precious night doing a so-called observation through photos, notes, anything you can see and probably hear.. hell yeah, it is now considered as stalking.

No, it doesn't matter. Stalking doesn't matter. Despite the fact that it's not a cool stuff to do - trust me, IT IS NOT - stalking doesn't matter. I mean, who cares of you wasting your time doing something harmful for nobody.. but you?

Curiosity kills a cat, and stalking can rip the cat into horrible pieces. Just saying. I'll tell you why.

1st of all, sometimes you stalk because you want to find some facts that, frankly, are unnecessary. You don't need to know; you realize it. It's because you're not ready to handle some ugly truth that will likely ruin your peaceful life.

2nd of all, if you stalk someone whom you consider as "the best enemy", you will, at least unconciously, start comparing yourself with that someone. Telling you, that's terrible. It's terrible because you 100% know the fact that people are born unique with different positive and negative sides.. but then, it doesn't matter. The thing is that you have already put yourself into your own imaginary competition in which you don't wanna lose. Baby, chances are that someone don't really get themselves into your imaginary fighting ring or they probably have another imaginary competition with others.. and yeah, most likely you'll end up fighting alone. And you can't win that kind of competition.

3rd of all, stalking wastes your energy. And time. And that's too obvious.

4th of all, if you stalk someone because of, wait for it, the big J of Jealousy.. you're lost. You're only making room for her, miss J, and the room is getting larger and larger. And soon it will invade your mind and rule you. And you'll be a pathetic green-eyed living creature.

Last but not least, stalking makes the one you stalk a superstar. Blah. Why would you do that?

I remember a scene from How I Met Your Mother: Robin 101. In that scene, Robin found that her boyfriend, Barney, had left his briefcase. Due to some recent suspicious unusual behavior of Barney, Robin was tempted to open the briefcase and look for some evidence. A bestfriend of hers, Lily, told her not to do so by saying, this is my fave quote, "No, stop, stop! Eye contact. Listen to me. Robin Scherbatsky is many things: friend, confidant, occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target, but she is not crazy jealous stalker bitch!"

Well, Robin still opened the brief anyway. Yeah, in the end she turned into that "crazy jealous stalker bitch".. Or no?

Stalking is probably good. Is probably necessary. Probably. But one thing you should have in mind is that too much information kills. It really does.

And sometimes the only thing you need to do is keeping your eyes and ears shut. Hear less and see less because what you don't know won't hurt you. It's not like being naïve; it probably is; but you're just being picky. You pick which truth you want to handle, the one you know you can handle.

Oh yeah, it's freaking hard.

And now I'm like writing a letter to myself.

Long pause.

Long sigh.