Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Well, Honey, the truth is ugly.

Originally posted on my facebook notes, long long time ago.

There's nothing wrong with the words 'hope' and 'wait'. Despite the fact that they waste our energy, both teach us a great lesson in life: how to be patient.

One that I missed, my greater mistake - I can say, is that I forgot to prepare for the worst. At least, I almost forget it. Nobody wants to wait in vain, nobody wants to end up failing. Well, nobody wants to falling slowly - wait in vain and end up failing. But still, there's something we should not forget:

The fact that the truth is ugly.

The ugly truth; when something is seen not as it actually is. The truth is not as fine as we think. Deep inside, we know that the ugly truth does exist, but, when our hope is so high, we try hard to ignore it. Why? Because we're hoping; we hope for a happy ending; we have no time to think about how the truth can be so ugly and - of course - hurt. It's people around us who can remind us, most likely.

Now, in cases of waiting for - let's say - someone, we may see signs or, on the other hand, we may see no sign at all. We may come with many thoughts which we are really sure or just guessing. We may try to predict what may happen. But one thing, don't forget that somehow the truth is ugly.

I - personally - have just realized how there are too many possibilities. I just can't believe that someone told me the worst possibility - which really makes sense - that has been my best possibility so far. He turned it upside down, and how shocking that it actually can be that way. So logical and possible.
Well, my best possibility can also be the worst possibility.

No, it doesn't mean I will always think the worst from now on. If so, I'd better stop waiting and hoping. No. Guess I still have the energy. I want to see how long and how far I can go, but one thing, I won't miss that thing again, not anymore:

preparing for the worst.
Cause the truth is so ugly... :")
Can be.

Love this line "If he's worth the wait, then wait." Is he? I am still asking to myself though.
And the confusing part is, I'm asking while waiting. hahaha.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

That one guy.

*originally posted on my facebook notes*

It's almost 1 am and I'm still wide awake. Despite the long and tiring (but fun) day and night I just had, I don't feel tired at all. Well maybe a bit :p

Anyway, one thought suddenly goes through my mind. Nah, it's actually being running through my mind lately. Seems like I'm having a moment to share it. I just feel like writing it down.

So, I know this guy from high school. We were once classmates. He was... what to put it ya? Hmm. Smart. Yup, he was smart (and I believe he still is). And unlike most "smart people" I know (and unlike what common belief states), he was not a quiet guy. He was sort of, you know, talkative. He talked much. He said what he wanted to say. Probably it was also why sometimes he had been mistaken. Some people took him as a "smartass". Or maybe they were just pissed because when he talked, he sort of blew their mind. Or maybe he was just right.

There you go. Maybe it would sound a little bit too personal, but I did think he was (almost) always right. Sometimes it irritated me, but sometimes it's just because he was right. Again everytime he talked to me, he blew my mind. He and I were pretty close. We talked a lot (define 'a lot'). We shared a lot. And with an addition of a bit of this and that, bamm, I sort of had a crush on him.. or a fling, name it (Geez. Just an old story, isn't it? Lol), lasted until we moved to the next grade, which made us not a classmate anymore (boo!)

We didn't talk that much anymore. The moments were gone, so was the fling. But we still remained friends (of course, duh), and by friends, we still got to see each other at some particular school events and stuff (this is pretty lame, but I hardly remember how and when.. I guess we both were in the school board or something :p) And so on, so on,.. until we graduated, until we completely didn't get to see each other. By the way, he went to a university out of town, and so did I. Different universities, different cities.

Months after the graduation day, we got a chance to meet again. I don't remember how, but he was in town. We arranged a meet up (with some other high school friends that happened to be in town as well). It was years ago, kinda blurry, but one thing I most remember is that I was in my lowest point. Just as I said before, it was months after graduation, and we just entered the university life- a first year university student. Things were all new; fun and, at the same time, scary. Good but tough, if you know what I mean. And there was also something 'else', a problem that brought me to my "darkest moment" (at least that's what I felt back then). And I met him. I met him at that particular time.

Oh, and this is also one thing I like about him, he does care. He cares about his friends. I just like how someone asks simple questions about how - "how are you?" "how you doing?" "how's thing going?" and stuff. He's that type of guy.

So yeah, I ended up telling him EVERYTHING. We talked a lot, for hours. And again, he blew my mind. As he did back when we were high school. As he always did. He gave me some advice. More than that, he gave me some insight. Normally, I would just have lots to argue, but not with this guy.

After that, we only talked through social media; once in a while. We had never meet each other again...

...not until a few days ago, literally. And he has changed a lot. Not in a bad kinda way, more like "he has grown up much". But one thing that has never changed: he still blows my mind..

Moral of the story? Umm.. not sure if there's any. But one question: in life, do you have this one (or two, maybe three) particular person who always, may I repeat, ALWAYS, blows your mind everytime he/she talks to you? It is something like "Well, true.. right.. yes.. I do feel it too.. Right.. Damn right.." Do you? Apparently I do, and I think I have some. And that one guy is one of them.

Ah, you know who you are :)

I hate you. No offense.

I really hate it when someone starts to add "no offense" to their opinion, mostly in an argument, in an opinion which clearly is intended to against other's opinion. Gahh! I hate the words! No offense? really?

As for me, "no offense" is just another way to say "I offend you but I don't want to sound like a bad person". It's sarcastic and mean. It's such a weapon. It's like a virus, because it can infects other words, and eventhough you will put a smiley face after that, that smiley face will look like an evil smirk to me.

"No offense" is just full of sarcasm. It actually makes it clear that the person offends you. And I know that this sound a bit too personal, but when someone uses "no offense", it seems to me that they think they're right, as if their opinion is what matters the most.

Thus, "no offense" to me is so offensive. Cut it off, baby, just cut it off.

Choosing or falling?

"Often, we fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time." - unknown

Found that particular quote while scrolling down my Twitter timeline, and my first response was "true that". I remember that someone ever told me that the term "falling in love" was wrong. He said that we chose to love. And I was like, "really?"

I mean, do we choose it? Choose is an active verb. We can choose because we have choices; we have options. I don't think that's the case of love. Love is something unexpected. It simply comes out of nowhere. Most of the time, we are not really sure how, when, and why it all begins. It just happens.

Besides, love is an abstract thing. People say that it's like wind: we cannot see and touch it, yet we can feel it. As for me, I can't quite define what love is. What is love? What we should feel so that we can be considered as "being in love"? If love itself is hard to define, how can one even 'choose' to love? Really?

I still believe that being in love is something that happens 'accidentally'. Yes, falling; that's the word.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

*put any emoticon here*

"People change. Feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart." - (500) days of summer.

There's a guy. He was my bestfriend. "Was", because sadly I don't know where we stand now. We used to talk a lot. We used to share almost everything. We completed each other's sentences. We called each other bestfriends. Because of something, I guess we are falling apart; drifting away from each other. I don't know what that "something" exactly is, though.

See, the worst feeling ever isn't not being able to talk to the one you used to talk to, but not knowing how, why, and since when it all happened. We now barely talk; it seems to me that he even avoids me. And yup, I don't know how and why and since when it all began.

Many questions are running through my head, and I keeps assuming. I know, why don't I just ask? That will make things clearer, won't it? Gah. Not a chance. Not an answer. I even started to believe that he himself doesn't know what's going on.

All I know that he keeps messing with my head. In some points, I know there's something wrong with him, with us. But in some points, he can come and make everything looks pretty normal, before it's back abnormal again the other day.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon this one particular quote. It said "sometimes you just outgrow people. Don't try to fix it or repair it, just accept it and move on." Dang! As if a million knives had just been stabbed to my back, it hurt. So much.

Over and over again, I've been trying to fix things up; mending my friendship with him. The worst part is I don't even know what I'm trying to fix. I always thought that there's something left, eventhough it's just a tiny little piece of us. I keep asking myself why; keep assuming how. I keep trying to take back what I had yesterday, despite the fact that it has been gone away. He keeps messing with my head, and mostly because I let him to. *sigh

Well yeah, I guess sometimes we just outgrow people. No need to ask why. People who meant to stay in our life will stay eventually, but those who don't will leave, sooner or later. No matter how precious he is. No matter how much he means to me. No matter how my heart and head keep telling me that he's the one.

I just miss him so much. End of conversation.