Dear Brides-To-Be, your wedding day is important but not that important.

First of all, don't get fooled by the title. Keep reading.

Second of all, this post goes out to all prospective brides and grooms out there (the brides-to-be, particularly). Preparing the big day is both exciting and tiresome, especially if you take care of the whole thing. And yes, it's both possible and impossible to take care of literally the WHOLE thing. And if you happen to be a bride-to-be who's preparing a small, intimate, on-budget wedding without any help of wedding organizer nor any other kind of organizer, with some help from your close ones, and your husband-to-be happens to be out of town (or out of country) and cannot physically be there for you most of the times, then.. *pat in the back* I feel you, sister.

We (my husband and I) just survived the wedding thingy almost four months ago. Although it was exciting to welcome our big day (and above it, our marriage life), our wedding preparation also involved tears and drama. My husband-to-be (now my husband, and I can call him "husband" for thousands of time and still get excited about that - yay, newlyweds!) was working out of the country and cannot be there for me most of the times (not physically - yes spiritually), and from the very beginning we decided not to hire any wedding organizer and such (mostly, to cut the budget). So, using some skills learned and experienced shared during my good old days working as an event (mostly wedding) decorator and some helps from closest ones, I took care of the preparation and details.

FYI, I'm such a perfectionist and details oriented, so you can imagine how the preparation went on. My friends constantly reminded me not to be such a Bridezilla. Now, let me tell you: there's no such thing as Bridezilla. It's your wedding day, your once-in-a-lifetime moment; you have every right to want it to be perfect! That's not fair to compare your bride-to-be mode to any kind of fictional giant creature which randomly wanders around the city and destroys everything.

There's no such thing as Bridezilla, but perhaps, you can be the overthinking and overstressed one - BUT you don't have to be one! I tell you why: just like any other day, you will get through it. Also, because I'm here to share some things you might want to know about preparing the big day (based on my own experience), either you are about to do it or you are in the middle of it. Those things are important, yet not that important to stress you out. So my brides-to-be and survived brides, let's hold hands and tell ourselves we are strong, we are young, heartache to heartache we stand, no promises, no demands, love is a battlefield! (Benatar, 1983)

1. Money is important but not that important.

Of course, you need money to pay for everything, but really, contrary to what Meja said, it's not all about the money. This one happens especially here in Indonesia: some people are still holding back from taking the plunge and getting married because they think getting married is expensive. Yes, we have to be realistic, but if "getting married" here means THE wedding party, I will say, cut the crap. You can even have a million bucks and just have a small holy matrimony attended by your parents only and legally get married. Getting married is not about the party; it's about something bigger that awaits you. Besides, here's some secret, don't worry about the money because, believe it or not, when there's a will there's a way, and yes it applies to your wedding preparation, too. Been there done that.

2. Staying on budget is important but not that important.

So what I'm trying to say is that stay true to what you can afford, but still be open to any unexpected spending and don't be stressed out because of it. What if I tell you: if you can stay on your planned spreadsheet, that's good, but it's okay and common if you go a little bit over budget. My wedding was a bit over budget and I spent more than I had planned on catering, decoration, and entertainment. I don't regret it at all. The most important thing is that you don't pass your limitation. Also, you sincerely think it's worth it. That's all. Plus, you'll find some areas will cost less than they're expected. Therefore, it's important to do some actual research and, of course, the markup! Yes, I know you have so many homeworks to do, but you can do it! *superhug*

3. Sticking to the plan is important but not that important.

Maybe you have a dream wedding. Maybe it is a small wedding with only 100 guests max in all-white. However, your parents need to invite their friends, their friends' friends, their friends' friends' friends, and everyone in the neighborhood. Plus, they hate white. Don't freak out, don't stress out. Along the way, you'll be surprised that you can actually adjust to many things. The magic word is to compromise. Perhaps you can go with 300 guests, but you still want the white because it's your color. Or perhaps you can go with colorful, but you want to stick with your guest list. That's just an example, though. I'm not suggesting you to give up everything you love for your wedding. It's your wedding and you deserve to have everything based on your preference. It's just, some things are not important to fight over, especially when it makes you stressed or even worse, think of canceling the whole thing. It's like, you can have your dream wedding dress and nobody can tell you it's not a nice dress, but maybe you can let your bridesmaids choose theirs. Yeah, that stuff.

4. Taking care of and knowing all the details is important but not that important.
As I said before, we didn't hire any wedding organizer and such. Thus, we (okay, mostly I) took care of everything including the teeny tiny detail. We were pretty lucky that it was a simple party. I can't imagine, though, if it was a big one. It's okay to know (and want to) handle the details of your own wedding. I mean, again, it's YOUR wedding. You want to be involved. You want to make sure you love it. But then again, you only have two hands, two feet, and limited time. Sometimes you just need to know the idea and leave the detail to your trusted ones. Yes, having those (family or close friends) that you can trust is really important. Make sure they get what you want and what you like. Trust me, on the d-day you won't care about the damn table cloth nor where your decorator put the vases. On our wedding day, our photo backdrop came right when the party was over, and we were like "whatever". We didn't have time to really think about the detail because there were many more important things, such as the wedding vow.

5. Staying away from the drama is important, I mean, really really important. But not that important.
I have a mixed feeling about this one. Yes, staying away from the drama is REALLY important. As someone who has survived, I can say that putting too much energy and emotion to this is not that important. However, as the one who has been through this, I can say that I feel you, ladies (and maybe gentlemen)! *pat in the back* I mean, if you want to cry, just cry, seriously, just CRY! I think it's also "normal" if you become more sensitive than ever. For heaven's sake, you are preparing your once-in-a-lifetime day! Just know your limit. You deserve to be a "queen", but not that "drama queen". If you have something in mind or if you find something annoys you, communicate it with your spouse or your closest ones. Let them help. It's your day, but don't refuse any helping hand.

6. Having second opinions is important but not that important.
So sometimes you're not sure about your dress. Sometimes you're not sure about your catering menu. Sometimes you're not sure about the music. Having second opinions from others is important to help you consider your choices, but really not that important. I know (because I often do this) that sometimes you already know exactly what you want and want others to support your decision. However, sometimes it doesn't turn out well: the other person has a totally different opinion and it stresses you (which doesn't have to, but hey, look at point 5). If you're in this position (just want to reassure your choice), talk to those who has the same taste with you. Or those who you know will support you. Yes, you must have that one person (I mean, come on, you are going to marry him)

7. Sharing things with your husband-to-be is important. NO BUTS.

Maybe not all, but most brides-to-be I know have the same complaint: their husband-to-be doesn't really care about this, and by this, I mean the colors, the details, the flowers, the foods.... Well, I will say: no, ladies, you're wrong. They do care, but maybe not as deep as you. And they did it mostly because they trust your taste. My husband didn't really concern about the details because he trusted me. He knew I could pick the best one. Also, the fact that he was miles away and I was the one who can communicate well with my vendors was also why. However, it didn't mean that I left him and let him come to our wedding not knowing anything. There, ladies, it's important to still ask their opinion, to make sure they know what's going on. Maybe it's easier to ask your bridesmaids because, well, I know. But never desert your husband-to-be. It's your day -- his day, too. Trust me, he DOES care.

Preparing your wedding day is sometimes so tiresome that at some point you just want to fast forward to the day. I say, just enjoy it. At some point, especially if you prepare things by yourself, you will miss those days (and that privilege to shop! Yes, that's the best part). Just know your limit and don't push yourself too hard. Of course it's important, it's your wedding day, but it's just a tiny little part of the whole picture: the marriage life itself.

Enjoy and good luck!

Hello, Goodbye.. Till we meet again.

Here I am again, going through the graduation goggle. You know, the thing when you are about to leave someone/something/someplace and suddenly everything about them/it is so nice; you think nothing's so bad should keep you away from them. I've been through so many graduation goggles, and I guess this one is not just an ordinary 'graduation goggle'.

I'm in the midst of wedding preparation. In fact, I'm getting married in less than 2 weeks! Yes! I'm going to move out of this place, this town, this country after I get married, following my husband (it's still weird using the word 'husband', oh how time flies) who's working abroad. That also means that I have to resign from my current job, which I just did because today was my very last day working (Just to remind you, I'm working at an English course.. well, used to..) That also means that I'm on a hiatus in teaching stuff and thingy till I don't know when.

I said goodbye to my classes, including ones I've been teaching for a year; right from the very beginning. In EF (yup, English First, finally mentioned the name), I rarely teach the same class for a long period of time. After one term, things can happen. Either the students don't continue studying because of this and that or they move to another class because the schedule doesn't fit them anymore... or because there are new classes and the course consultants should arrange the schedule which can fit the teachers' schedule (like solving puzzles) and so on so on. Among all of the classes I teach (yes, let's just use a present tense), there are two classes that I've been teaching forever (as long as I teach there). One is a class of ten junior high students and the other is a class of four elementary kids (we call them the little rascals, because, well, you guess. But they're one of my favorite. Smart and wonderful little rascals.)

Yesterday was the last time teaching the junior high kids and today was the last time teaching the elementary kids. These past two days, I'm constantly reminded that, well, I will no longer teach them :( yesterday, my junior high kids gave me a little farewell surprise involving a sweet note, flower, pictures of us, chocolates, cake, and candles. As their teacher, I've never even expected it. I know we had good times together; me being a *cough* cool *cough* teacher yet (kinda) strict sometimes when they're out of boundaries, and them being energic-sometimes-annoying-but-mostly-fun-and-motivated teenagers. Still, I've never expected the togetherness has grown in us. I'm proud of them; I'm proud of myself. (At least, you've been a good teacher, Sekar *pat in the back*)

As for today, I had some photo sessions with the little rascals, which was fun. I did ask one of the students who (sort of) had the most fight with me during our learning sessions over the past year because of this and that (a 9-year-old boy, I won't be surprised :p) whether he would be happy due to my leaving. He said, "I'm not happy, Miss. Other teachers cannot play ukulele." I laughed. This one boy loves singing and music so much. Yes, I once did a lets-sing-along-song session. I gave them the lyric of Sound of Music's Do-Re-Mi and brought my ukelele to the class. I played the ukulele, they sang the song.. It was the most relaxing learning session for me as the teacher and for them too. I'm gonna miss the moment. I'm gonna miss the kids, too *ah this stupid little thing in my eyes :'(

There are also some classes I'm just about to get close to. Today I had a great time with my last class of the day, sharing things with them. They are three senior high students with lots of story about school life, friendship, and love. Wish I could stay longer to know them better.

And EF in general.. sure I'm gonna miss everything. The teaching job there isn't a 9-to-5 job, but it feels like it. No, I'm not talking about the loads and stuff. I'm talking about the experienced shared, the good times had, the friendship made, and the bonds created. I'm gonna miss the random chit-chat in the teacher room, gonna miss the light to heavy convos with the ccs at the front desk, gonna miss rushing to the 2nd floor because I'm almost late, gonna miss grading and filling in the endless progress reports... there's just a lot to be missed. It's not about leaving a workplace and co-workers. It even didn't feel like working, I guess. It felt like playing with the kids, sharing things with friends, having good times.

I remember a year ago, I walked to that place for the sake of new experience and killing times while finishing my last semester of college. Today I walked out of that place proudly because I've learned a lot, I've done many things I thought I'd never do, I've discovered my passion, and I've found a new family.

Hope to see them again


*p.s and I miss teaching already. But yeah, let's focus on the wedding and moving out thingy first..so excited! Gonna share it on the next post, sooner or later.

I teach; what is your superpower?

"Have you ever dreamed of being a teacher?"

That question was popped by my student when she and I were having a session last Saturday. We were playing a sort of board game; something like snakes and ladders, only each box was filled with question. It was a game slash speaking practice.

Yes, I am a teacher; to be specific, an English teacher. I teach English as a foreign language for classes in an English school and for some kids (and adults too) as their private teacher. I've been teaching English since I was a second year college student. Now, teaching is my main job, or let's just say, I'm doing many things (that includes yoga and blogging), but teaching is something I'm currently mostly doing (if you don't count sleeping in, of course)

Back to the question, have I ever dreamed of being a teacher? The answer is no. As a child, I remember dreaming of being a doctor (that's soooo mainstream, I know), a flight attendant (cause my mom was, and she still is), an interior design (it's somewhat sophisticated for a 10-year-old girl to dream of being one), a journalist, a children stories writer (still dreaming, though), an I-dont-know-what-the-exact-job-is-but-someone-who-works-at-embassy, etc etc... but never a teacher. Not that I didn't like being a teacher (or didn't like some of my teachers back then because they were oh-so annoying and gave me hard times... absolutely not), it was just not my dream. Why I then became a teacher is another story. Maybe I'll share about it later on my next post. The point is that, yes I'm a teacher now, and though I don't consider it to be my forever main job (still have many things in mind, things I'm more passionate about), I love this job. Even if someday I  decide to take another job as my main job, I won't let go of teaching completely (talking about being a private/part-time/freelance teacher or someday a teacher slash *cough* mother *cough*).

Many people may underestimate us teachers, mostly because of how much money we make per month. I mean, come on, that's such a conventional way of thinking. Being a teacher doesn't always mean being underpaid, although, sad but true, it happens in many cases and still an issue (dear government, here's your homework). Better yet, it's not always about the cha-ching. Mindset, people. I'll tell you why I love being a teacher and personally think teaching is one of the coolest job ever:

1. It makes me (feel) forever young. In my case, my students are mostly elementary and high school students. Interacting with kids makes me forget my real age (which I get reminded again once a year on my birthday). I unconsciously keep up with them. Their favorite things, movies, music, the trends.. how being a teacher has made me a teenager again. True story.

2. Working with kids doesn't feel like working. It's like playing while transferring the skill and knowledge we have to them, only I'm paid to do so.

3. I keep on learning. It's very true that teaching keeps our knowledge and skill refreshed. Not only does it make me won't lose our knowledge and skill, it also helps me improving it. The students learn, so do I. Not to mention, brand new knowledge and skills like the art of taking care of different types of kid, the art of talking to children, the art of being patient, etc. I'm so proud of myself. Ha.

4. Being a teacher means expecting the unexpected. Everyday is a new day, and teachers take that literally. As for me, I always have stories to share after I finish my classes. One day, a kid gets mad at me because he's not allowed to play his iPad during the class (parents, hello?). The other day, a group of kids makes a horror movie script about a walking vegetable for their write-a-script assignment. I cannot walk into classroom and expect things will be just the same as the day before. And of course, you have to make sure you'll survive the day.

5. Teaching different kinds of student makes me believe that everyone is special. I have a 4-year-old student who's really talented at music. Not to mention, he has a very different musical taste compared to any other kids at his age. I also have a student who's really active, like a pinball, and never looks tired. I also have a student who's very smart, yet so talkative and sometimes talk too much that it disturbs the other students. Thing is, we cannot treat each and everyone in the exact same way.

6. The love from the students is one of the best. Even just a little bit of "Miss, can I sit next to you?" can brighten up my day instantly. This includes the love-and-hate relationships, too.

7. The feeling when the students enjoy (or simply understand) the lesson that we teach them is beyond inexplicable. It's something that money can't buy. James Brown has the words for it, though: "I feel good".

etc etc. (teachers, you may want to add something to the list)

I personally think that teaching is challenging yet fun. Not an easy thing to do, clearly. Most of the times, it requires me to think out of the box, to handle things that look impossible, and to push myself to the limit. Clearly, teaching is a superpower *smirk*. It's true that I never dreamed of being a teacher before, but Peter Parker never dreamed of being a Spiderman, too. And yet he's good at it.

Cheers,

To sum up my year.

It's been ages since my last post, and many things have changed since then. For better, for worse. Mostly for better. And I have two most important events coming up!

First, I am counting days to my graduation day... FINALLY! After years of laughter and tears (mostly tears, probably), I will finally attend my own graduation day. To be there, it was a long and windy road. By long, I mean literally long. Who needed 6 years to finally grab their degree? Me! ME! Yes, 6 years, and no, it doesn't mean I failed at some subjects or anything. I graduated with a good GPA (*cough* 3.5 *cough*) with good records, no failing at anything, except one thing... I failed finishing my undergraduate thesis. When I saw my thesis wouldn't go anywhere because of *this* and *that*, I finally decided to save my degree by drop the subject. To replace the credits and in order to graduate, I need to take more classes last semester and upload a journal paper. It was a tough decision to finally stop doing things I had started like years ago and to start cleaning the mess. If you start asking me "Why, Sekar, why didn't you for-God's-sake finish the damn thesis? WHY?", I have asked myself some questions too. Questions like, "why did you decide to work (as in actual job) while (trying to) finish(ing) your thesis?", "why did you decide to stay with the topic?", "why did you decide to write a thesis without any preparation and specific goal, when you could actually take a non-thesis program and graduate sooner? (when in the end, I took the program anyway. Only later)", and stuff and stuff. But hey, screw that, I HAVE finished my study. End of story.

Second, I am getting married. *I know, I KNOW, it's huge* Although we haven't decided the exact date, the holy matrimony will be held next year, in January or February. I am so excited. Do you remember the guy I previously told you on my one or two previous posts? Turns out, he is the one :) I don't know whether saying this will make me sound so cheese, but hey, let me BE cheesy. We have discussed this marriage thingy few months ago or so. We knew that we were having something serious. But the day he popped the question and I said "I do" only happened a couple of weeks ago. You know, I had been dreaming of a fairy tale-ish surprise proposal with flashmob, probably with fancy dinner (optional), with picture perfect moments happy tears, with a beautiful diamond ring, my man on his knee, and of course a perfect manicured nails. Well, it didn't happen that way. My proposal involved my man asking me a quick question (no knee involved) with crystal-clear answer, as clear as "well, duh" (I know, I didn't say "I do"), and a beautiful but over-sized ring (so we had to find a shop that could resize it the very next day. And found!). No flashmob nor fancy dinner. Just a very private moment between the two of us, at my house, after having a long tiring day. Yet still, it felt like fairy tale, only it WAS real (and thank God my nails were well-manicured). It is real. I am getting married to the man, the one I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with. We are now preparing everything. I admit, it stresses me out sometimes. I want the day to be "perfect". But then, I'll sit back and think, what can be any more perfect that marrying my best friend? Yes, we are still working on some details, anyway ;)

Third, life is a choice. I know I said two, and this is not even an event, but I just want to tell you this (perhaps more on the next post). There are just many things happened and came to me in these past few years that have made me grow stronger and (hopefully) wiser. They came with choices and decisions that may lead me to different results and roads. One thing that I have learned: no look back. Because those choices and decisions, they got away. More are coming, and I'd better focus on them. Better yet, I should focus on what I AM doing and IS happening right now.

Seize the day,

Now that's what I call 'being happy'!

"You're not happy. You only think you're happy because you feel happy." – Lily, How I Met Your Mother.

I was watching How I Met Your Mother, one of my favorite American situation comedy series, when I found that very line. It was said by Lily, one of the main casts, to Barney, another main cast. In that episode, Barney was falling in love with a woman named Robin, but they chose not to define their relationship. Lily, who were friends with both Barney and Robin, thought that they had to talk about it, while both Barney and Robin didn't think that talking was necessary. Long story short, Lily didn't think that the uncoupled couple was happy, so she yelled out the line. Barney answered it with a question, "And that's not happy?" Frankly, that is also my question. If it isn't considered as happy then what is happy? How we define happy? How we define happiness?

Happiness is an abstract noun. Not only is it literally untouchable and invisible, but it's also undefined. Or in contrast, it's multi-defined. When it comes to what happiness means, we can ask hundreds of people to get hundreds of confused faces and mumbled words, or we can ask thousands of people to get thousands of different answers. But then, despite the fact that happiness is a sort of hard-to-be-defined word, it turns out that Dictionary.com has described it the best: "hap•pi•ness [hap-ee-nis] –noun 1. the quality or state of being happy." Brava, online dictionary! Happiness is that simple.

We may get some confused faces and mumbled words when we ask what happiness is, and it's simply because happiness is a state of being happy. We are just being happy, what else to describe? Happiness occurs when we know that we are happy; we feel happy. Happiness is what makes us feel happy when we're supposed to be unhappy.

We may also get various answers when we ask what happiness is, and it's simply because happiness is a state of being happy that each person bears in their own mind. Thus, obviously, nobody can feel exactly what we feel but ourselves. That's why my happiness is different from yours. That's why I can't judge your happiness, and you can't also judge mine. If Lily thinks that being in a complicated relationship is sort of unhappiness, she may be right because that's what she feels. But then, she can't say that Barney is unhappy because she can't exactly feel Barney.

Combining the undefined and the multi-defined version of happiness, we can say that happiness is a matter of perspective; happiness is a state of mind. It may seem to come out of nowhere, but actually it can be both something that comes as a response to an event and something that we ourselves create. If my mother comes to me and hand me a gift, I will feel happy. That happiness just comes out to me and hangs on my mind. I will probably be disappointed when I find out that the gift isn't what I really want, but if I can see it from any different perspective, I can still be happy. That happiness is what I create for my own good from a thing called being positive. That’s why my happiness is probably not your happiness, and that's why it is also hard to define. It quite explains the inexplicable, doesn't it?

Happiness is a state of mind; it's my state of mind and your state of mind. It's too broad to explain yet too narrow. Some random Lily may come to us and say, "You're not happy. You only think you're happy because you feel happy." Instead of asking ourselves what happiness is, we’d better reply, "Now that's what I call 'being happy'!"

P.s. I wrote this years ago, back when I was in college for my journalism class' assignment. I just feel like posting it here now.

Build a bridge... and get over it.

First of all, I turned 25 last week. Yep, I'm 25 now and I know it's such a big number. I've been thinking lately of what I have been done in my life and what life has done to me. 25 years of ups and downs, and I'm still standing here; still and strong. If it's not something to be grateful for, then what is it?

Second of all, I finally came to this topic, something that many people have experienced (and thought about, and discussed about), something that many movies, many songs, many books tell about: "letting go and moving on". Letting go and moving on are two different things, clearly. I personally think that one is followed by the other. You have to build a bridge first so you can get over it. No reverse order. Simply put, you have to let go first in order to move on.

For me, letting go is more like realizing that some things are out of our control. Some things may not be the same anymore and there is nothing we can do about that. Some things may not be good for us and there's no point of holding on. Some things are NOT for us, and we'd better not try to act like they are. Some things are lessons learned, and what we can do about that is, of course, learning. And it leads to the move on thing. We realize that time won't stop ticking and we won't stop either. So we leave the past where it should be: behind us. And we keep moving on.

I know, I'm also annoyed by those who keeps telling us to let go and move on with our lives. It's not that easy. You can't build a bridge in one day, can you? But we have to make sure that we are actually building that bridge. Are we building that bridge? Or we just think it's hard without even trying to get up and do something about that? Sometimes we just don't do anything about it. We let ourselves sink in despair. And just as miserable as that is, some people try hard to move on without letting go. I want to tell them one truth: quoting all those "moving on" sayings and posting them on social media over and over again simply states how miserable they are. The past is like a lake full of crocodiles. Yes please, swim away, and let those crocodiles eat you up.

Don't get me wrong now. I only say that because I know how it feels to be stuck in the past. Yes, both refusing to let go and trying to move on instantly. I've learned that letting go and moving on is part of a process, and sometimes it is a life time process. Sometimes the bridge is not perfectly built, and as we cross it, we should fix some parts of it over and over again. But don't you worry:

I've learned the hard way.

My boyfriend and I finally found each other (back again, and it's such a very long story), right after both of us had finally decided to let go of the past; the things we had been dealing with for a very long time. In this case, crappy relationships (some may not that "crappy" tho, but still..) We learned so much from the past, but we had decided to not live in there anymore. I used to think that I will be on a permanent hiatus in the love department, but no, I am not. I'm so grateful that we both met and now here we are with the most precious gift the universe can give: us being together. Something better? So much better.

I also used to be stuck in something as a result of my wild ego and pride. I won't tell specifically what it was, but let's say, for my pride's sake I used to keep doing something, some work I didn't feel like doing.  I used to live a living hell. And the moment I finally decided to let go of that thing, was the moment of victory. I did give up on many things because of that, I thought I had lost many things, but then life got me so much more. That, and happiness, as a bonus.

There are so much life will give us when we finally let go and move on. I put my faith on that, but if you're not really sure about this, there's a more logical explanation to it. Probably, the better things simply have been here for a very long time. They have been laid upon our table for that long. We just can't see it just yet, or worse, we refuse to see it. We focus on things we cannot change and keep pretending that we can. Love life, careers, school life.. sometimes we are where we don't belong and we are stuck in there, when in fact we think we are stuck. When actually what we have to do is to move this ass,

build a bridge,

and get over it...

Break a leg,

What's your love language?

"We're not talking comfort. We're talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren't connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn't enough." - Dr Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages.

I stumbled upon this article. It's an article based on Gary Chapman's book called The 5 Love Languages. Basically, Chapman gives the idea of how people express their love. Thing is, there are 5 different languages of love, and people can speak the same or totally different language with one and another. Those 5 languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Each person can have one (or two) primary languages, and those languages are ones they use to express their love and ones that can make them feel loved.

Actually, I've known this "5 languages" thing for a very long time. I remember I first read about this on my reading subject book (yes, reading subject) back when I was in college. But the article I put above (I suggest you to click it. Yes, click it away, baby) is very interesting. It sums up the whole thing very well, very clearly. Kudos to the writer.

Anyway, the article also leads me to the (I guess) official page of the 5 love languages itself. And what's more interesting? We can discover our own language by taking a quiz of 30 questions there. Yes, we can discover our love language, as well as our loved ones'.

And it got me thinking how important the language is.

There will be no problem if you and your loved ones (family, friends, spouse) speak the same language as you. But what if you both speak totally different languages? It's like you keep speaking in English, but they speak no English. No matter how hard you try to express your love, they won't get it. And you end up being sad, upset, or even angry. You may think they don't understand you or that you haven't been good enough to them. But in fact, it's not about that. It's just you should transfer what you speak into their language. If they speak Spanish, try to speak in Spanish.

I just fall in love with what Chapman says (as put on top of this post): "We're not talking comfort. We're talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren't connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn't enough." Your language is English, so it's okay if when you try to speak in Spanish, you stammer, you find it discomforts you. But then, "love is something we do for someone else". Familiar to this saying: "Love is real when it's shared"? There's nothing wrong with trying to speak in Spanish so that your loved ones will get what you're trying to say.

But I'm gonna make a little bit of twist here.

Just because they speak Spanish, doesn't mean you should totally stop speaking English. After all, that's your own language, right? After all, there are English words that cannot fully replaced by Spanish words, right? You speak in Spanish to make them feel loved, yet you still keep speaking in English to express your love to the fullest. Sometimes you can teach them to speak in English too, so that they know what you are trying to say. Just combine them all. Be bilingual.

What a really interesting article with a nice topic there, anyway. Make me realize that love is indeed a sacrifice. Sometimes, we have to do things we don't enjoy just to make one we love feel loved. But the smile, the gratitude, and the happiness shared by the loved ones is too damn precious.

Yes it is.

I'd be more than honored to do that.

What about you? Do you love your loved ones enough to speak in their language?

Grammar challenge: accepted.

"I don't judge people based on race, creed, colour or gender. I judge people based on spelling, grammar, punctuation and sentence structure." - A quote found on someecards.com

When English is not your first language, things can get very messy.

I don't know how exactly this topic came to mind. Maybe it just annoys me a lot lately. I'm afraid I will sound patronizing, and I don't mean to. Please note that I'm just being annoyed and want to spit this out, hopefully, straight yet properly.

Well, I'm not really that judging-people-based-on-spelling-grammar-punctuation-and-sentence-structure person (I don't always use them correctly anyway, especially the last two things), though I admit, I sometimes judge people based on their *cough* English use. And by English use, I don't mean "how they use English". It's more about "how they think they use it". I won't necessarily point out their use on they're, their, there, whatsoever. I won't necessarily blabber about their spelling error and stuff. I also do some misspelling. I often use "and" and "but" after the full stop. I'm not good at the proper use of preposition. Being an English major student doesn't make me perfect because, geez, I'm just a learner. English isn't my first language either. It's just...

...there's a difference between messed up grammar and (too) messed up grammar.
If you know what I mean.

There's a thin line between messing up the grammar and messing up the grammar yet being sure that it's not really messed up (or being not so sure but going on anyway) and being overconfident about it. The thing is, I often find that second type of people who use English just the way they want to use it, with messed up grammar (and spelling) here and there, being overly (I repeat, overly) confident, wandering around facebook updates, tweets, and even blog posts, without realizing that it's highly (may I repeat, highly) annoying.

I'm talking about saying "she cans wait" instead of "she can wait".  (Really? Cans?)
Or the use of "ask for" and "ask about".
Or the exact pairing of a subject and its "to be". (I mean, "I" goes along well with "am", not "are".)
Yes, that kinda stuff. Combined with the overconfidence thingy.

I actually want to highlight the overconfidence thingy more. It hurts my heart. A question pops in my head: "Why? Why English?" (Really, I'm wondering)

And then, there's a grammar nazi.

You know it, right? When someone unacceptably correct the grammar and people think it's annoying, that someone will possibly be called a grammar nazi. I don't know where the term came from and who originally invented it, but all I can say is that he/she wasn't at Hitler's side.

I see why some people see some particular blunt grammar nazis as rude, annoying, always-think-they-are-right and who-do-they-think-they-are filthy creatures. Some are just being such a meanie, pointing out the errors and giving corrections right away. Or missing out the point of a statement and only focusing on the grammar instead.

I agree, they are annoying.

But I'm also torn here. I won't fully blame them (the grammar nazis) though, if they're facing the special cases. Yeah, (too) messed up grammar is also annoying as hell. Period.

The grammar violators and the grammar nazis; for me it's like a neverending circle. And yes, everyone deserves to be one, be it the violator or the nazi. It's just, there's something called "too much" and (oh I love this quote) Spice Girls clearly said "too much of something is bad enough".

Dear grammar violators, there is something called dictionary and google. Or spellcheck, whatever. Please do some research on the difference between "ask for" and "ask about" because they are extremely different.
And Dear grammar nazis, there is something called manner, something called context and situation, right and wrong place and/or condition. Something called "giving a correction when necessary". Something called "do it properly".

Oh well. I hope I'm not talking too much.

No hard feelings,

A random note. A totally random one.

*As seen on my tumblr. Yes, because random notes originally belong to tumblr and tumblr only.

Wise men say, we all should be more focus on and be grateful for what we have rather than what we don't have. I would say that that much is true, under the so called normal circumstances. Sometimes, at some point in our life, we are just not that "normal". Sometimes we feel so fed up and life is being too harsh, throwing not only a lemon but TONS of it; upsized. And maybe those tons of giant lemon are thrown right into our eyes so we can't see what we have anymore. That's true, sometimes we are just so fcuked up that we are actually in that kind of situation.

Maybe we need to change our mind a bit. Maybe this sound a bit evil-ish, but try to see others' problems. Everybody, as long as they're human (and alive) got their own problem, right? Maybe we should start to compare how their life could be a lot messier than ours and be grateful because we are NOT in their situation (and people say comparing is not good huh?)

I know, it sounds so mean (I don't suggest you to do it out loud anyway), but hey... that may heal our eyes (remember the giant lemons I told you earlier) and start seeing what we have and focus on that and be grateful for that. Probably we all just should start shouting to one and another "Whoa your problem is way BIGGER than mine!" (what did I say?)

And being compared isn't too bad either. I mean, it could be one nice thing we can do for others. It's just like saying to them "So you think your life's a mess? Come here, take a look at mine!" and start blabbering about our problems that they don't have. And make them say "Ah, it feels great that I'm not you". Making others happy is happiness, right? But, don't we forget to get back on track (by track: listing out others' problems that we DON'T have) or else we'll get depressed later on.

Oh yes, reality is overrated, my friends. We are not living those ideal wisdom-and-great-quote kind of life. At least, not always...

Scrolling down my own Facebook page.

Yes, I've just done the pettiest thing someone could do. Or maybe not. I know, I've always said that blog and music are my two time machines. Apparently, there's one more: a Facebook page.

Okay, you may say "who's still on Facebook?" (I am, sometimes), but you have to admit that almost  everyone (except the hipsters -- which I still believe they actually had it once before it's too cool) have a Facebook page. Yes it's all about the status updates, the photo albums, the tagged updates, the tagged photos you don't approve because it's not your profile-picture-perfect kinda pic, the old friends, the new friends, the long lost friends, the always-there friends, the strangers that become friends, the strangers that remind strangers yet you still keep, and even the archnemesis whom you let straying around on your page because you secretly want their updates PLUS you want to brag a bit about your life to them... HA! (not that I'm doing that lol).

Now, with those people and posts and photos and videos (and everything in between) gathered in one media, perfectly sorted by dates, plus an easy way to access it (as you can jump from one year to another through the so called 'timeline'), what can you get? Yes, dear friends, a TIME-MACHINE. WOO-HOO!

See, try it sometimes. Just sometimes. See how much things have changed. See how much YOU have changed. Those past relationships that make you think how fool you were, those friends you used to keep in touch with, those wise words you put on your status updates that make you wonder how you were so wise back then (yes it happens) and stuff... See, recall, and learn. Isn't it amazing how you can realize that time grows and learn life lessons through Facebook? (doesn't come out right but yeah you know what I mean)

And the best part is that you can always delete some unnecessary posts, yet it won't affect your present. (Or maybe, a bit)

The time traveler,

The X-File: Y X?

"I can't help but feel a sense of envy that she had him before me, and he had feelings for her. Feelings that were supposed to be exclusively for me." - Jen Kim, The Power of the Ex-girlfriend

So I stumbled upon this interesting article this morning (yes, you can click it away). It's called "The Power of the Ex-girlfriend" (don't ask me how I found this article), and as much as I think the title sounds creepy, I'm glad somebody spit this topic out in a blunt (yet fun) way. I'm glad there's somebody (and now I'm pretty sure there are many of them) who feels exactly what I feel about that highly annoying alphabet: X. More to add: the boyfriend's X.

You can go there and read it yourself, and perhaps nod your head several times (like I did) and cheer because jealousy is both normal and abnormal. It's so human, and so consuming as well. And the way you feed it affects the level of insecurity you grow in your body, mind, and soul.

There are 4 specific points that the author, Jen Kim, pointed out as "thoughts she has compiled over the years" about this ex-girlfriend thingy. I might as well conclude them as jealousy, insecurity, delusion, and pure ego. I found one intriguing statement (and put it right at the beginning of this post) that slapped me right in the face. (with some addition to that: and she had stolen his family's heart away, pretty much involved in many of his family events, pictures et cetera et cetera blah blah blah).

I may compile the compile thoughts, I guess I will put it this way:

"it's all about running an imaginary competition"

in which the question will be:

"how can I compete with her?"

And here's the big news: it's p-o-i-n-t-less POINTLESS. And if you keep involving in such competition, it will end up being ENDLESS, unless you realize another intriguing thing Kim stated: "what's interesting about these obsessions is that they usually last only as long as the relationship with the boyfriend lasts."

The thing is, would you let this one tiny little unimportant ex-girlfriend be such a powerful wonderwoman or what? Letting her indirectly ruining your relationship? Na-ah.

What is so amazing about past is that it may affect some details at your present, but it will NEVER EVER be your present.

Until you realize that one question has only one answer: Y X? Because it's your mind clinging too hard onto the past and wandering too far creating such wild imagination, that's Y.

my own made insecurity speaking;

A blogwalk to remember.

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”  - Anaïs Nin

So last night, after months of absence, I finally posted on my blog; this blog. Apparently, it didn't stop there. I did some sort of blogwalking, on my own blogs (in case you don't know that I actually have more than one blogs. I know, I also wonder why I need more than one blogs when I can hardly update one. Lol). And I pretty much enjoyed it, reading my own posts, my own writings...

Don't get me wrong, I never consider myself as a good writer. Really. Sometimes I think I'm not that good at writing. Sometimes what comes to mind when I visit others' blogs is that why they can write. Why they blog very well, while I'm not sure mine is worth reading. Haha.

I still hope it is, though. I hope what I share will have something to do with you. I hope you can enjoy what I read. Right, I write because I want people to read...

...and because I want to read it, too.

And God, I'm glad I blog. I'm glad I transferred many moments I cherished into writings. Have I told you before that music is my time machine? So is my blog(s). It's amazing how I could once again feel what I feel back then. It's like experiencing it all over again. If writing means tasting my life twice, then reading my writings means tasting it for many many times.

I don't know if you may feel the way I do, but everytime I read my past writings, in a second I see how life seems to be much easier back then. Like there were fewer problems, just happiness. But then again, I guess I'm wrong. There weren't fewer problems, they just seem easier compared to today. There was happiness, but there was also sadness and other uneasy feelings, but thing is, I have walked through it. We're just more improved, (hopefully) better than who we were yesterday. That's why.

Lesson learned: whatever happens to you right now, this too, shall pass!

It's also amazing how I communicated with other bloggers through my posts, that simple comment section on each and every post. And as much as I think my writings are not that worth reading, I'm glad they are actually read. I love my readers! I love you all, bloggers! :') And my blog also reminds of those long lost friends, and I guess now I'm gonna start to reach them again.

I love this moment. The moment I re-read what I wrote, the past events, and how it affects me, my life. And how it can affect others too.

And of course, to remind me not to stop doing what I love. In this case: blogging.

*p.s my left thumb is still swollen and aching so bad. I'm gonna stop it here, for now*

Thanks for being a great reader :)

Love,

Random note of the week.

Dear Readers (if there's any, I kinda doubt it, but we have to be optimistic),

It feels good to be back. I've been so busy with work and study lately, and all fa-la-la stuff in life (ah, adulthood), and I barely remembered that I actually had a blog. What a shame. I know my previous post was in April (and it's July already), and even before April, I rarely blogged. There were times I blogged often, and as long as I remember, I really enjoyed those times.

Lesson learned: no matter how busy you are, never forget things that make you happy... never stop doing it.

Guess today (tonight/this very early morning), I'm going to share something may not worth reading (at all, I've warned you). Just want to post a random note; random note of the week.

Oh by the way, how's your week?
I find mine is pretty interesting, although it's still Wednesday (technically it's Thursday). Interesting in many ways. If this week were a painting, mine would be freaking colorful with emotions. It's full of sadness, heart-broken (mostly because the news of Cory Monteith - if you have no idea who he was, google it - sudden death. I'm a Gleek and some people may think I over react, but it is really heart breaking :( No more word left), anger, fatigue (it's been a very busy week that I'd love to call it a week though it's still Thursday), pain (literally, on my left thumb. I guess I sprained it without knowing when and how, and now it's swollen pretty bad), and so on.. so on.. but mostly,

happiness,
for many many reasons, but what I want to share with you now (whoever you are) is this one:

it's because of someone.

I don't know if it sounds right or not, and I know we are supposed to be happy because ourselves allow us to be happy (wisdom much), but I do feel happy (if happy is the word) because of this person; this guy.

Ah well, I know I just want to write about him on my blog. I'm on fire, pardon me.

So we've been very close and doing a lot of talking in these past few months. He isn't a new guy in my life, apparently someone from the past who makes appearance again today, though honestly, in a way it feels new yet familiar to me. It feels like knowing someone for so long, yet the feeling is fresh and new... hard to explain!

I don't know what I actually feel about this, about him, all I know is that at the end of the day, I'll end up talking to him, talking about my day, his day, sharing things, and stuff. It feels like I can share everything without worrying about being judged.

He and I, we have history. We involved in each other's past. Now that we share our present, I'm kinda looking forward to the future.

So this is he. He was my schoolmate, my classmate, my puppy love, my first love, my first kiss, my very first boyfriend, my junior high sweetheart. I was (and always be) an extrovert, and for an introvert, he was pretty good at "handling" me. It was a 3-year relationship, which unfortunately the last 2 years was a long distance one. Being busy with new school, friends, activities, we were sort of separated at some point and walked our different directions. Then I met a new guy, he met a new girl, new relationships, break ups, make ups,... and we walked more far far away from each other. We barely talked and met, although we were in the same "click", same circle of friends.

And it lasted for 5 years. Can you believe it?

5 years and we were allowed to meet. At that time, I was dating someone, and he was too, dating someone. We were settled and (probably) happy. Anyway, we talked, caught up, filled in the blanks, found out what we had missed in the past 5 years of silence, cleared the air... and the sparks were there. And we walked a little bit too far...

...but hey, we couldn't miss out the detail which is that we were both in a relationship, could we?

And I started to believe that it was just a blast from the past, high school euphoria, and we should call it a day and go back to our own way.

Months after that, I broke up with my boyfriend and he was in an on-off relationship with his girlfriend. We talked sometimes, not much, not often, but everytime we talked, I knew there was something there. But we couldn't go too far, we just couldn't.

Fast forward to today, more or less 2 years after that "little reunion"...

And today, it feels like going back to the first time we talked after the 5-year silence, only now we are not dating anyone. We talk a lot now, catch up, fill in the blank, find out what we could miss, clear the air.. and the sparks are here, once again. And now we are walking further and further...

At this point, it feels like there's no man knows me better than him. I could hardly remember the days when we were not talking, really. It just feels so right, and eventhough I know I can be wrong, screw that, it still feels right.

Geez, do I sound cheesy? Do I sound like a girl from those romantic movies you would rate 1 out of 5?
Because for the first time in my life, I really really hope this could be something. And as much as it sounds naive, I kinda believe this is truly something. Oh, heart.

And that's how I sum up my week...

Love,

Well, Honey, the truth is ugly.

Originally posted on my facebook notes, long long time ago.

There's nothing wrong with the words 'hope' and 'wait'. Despite the fact that they waste our energy, both teach us a great lesson in life: how to be patient.

One that I missed, my greater mistake - I can say, is that I forgot to prepare for the worst. At least, I almost forget it. Nobody wants to wait in vain, nobody wants to end up failing. Well, nobody wants to falling slowly - wait in vain and end up failing. But still, there's something we should not forget:

The fact that the truth is ugly.

The ugly truth; when something is seen not as it actually is. The truth is not as fine as we think. Deep inside, we know that the ugly truth does exist, but, when our hope is so high, we try hard to ignore it. Why? Because we're hoping; we hope for a happy ending; we have no time to think about how the truth can be so ugly and - of course - hurt. It's people around us who can remind us, most likely.

Now, in cases of waiting for - let's say - someone, we may see signs or, on the other hand, we may see no sign at all. We may come with many thoughts which we are really sure or just guessing. We may try to predict what may happen. But one thing, don't forget that somehow the truth is ugly.

I - personally - have just realized how there are too many possibilities. I just can't believe that someone told me the worst possibility - which really makes sense - that has been my best possibility so far. He turned it upside down, and how shocking that it actually can be that way. So logical and possible.
Well, my best possibility can also be the worst possibility.

No, it doesn't mean I will always think the worst from now on. If so, I'd better stop waiting and hoping. No. Guess I still have the energy. I want to see how long and how far I can go, but one thing, I won't miss that thing again, not anymore:

preparing for the worst.
Cause the truth is so ugly... :")
Can be.

p.s.
Love this line "If he's worth the wait, then wait." Is he? I am still asking to myself though.
And the confusing part is, I'm asking while waiting. hahaha.

That one guy.

*originally posted on my facebook notes*

It's almost 1 am and I'm still wide awake. Despite the long and tiring (but fun) day and night I just had, I don't feel tired at all. Well maybe a bit :p

Anyway, one thought suddenly goes through my mind. Nah, it's actually being running through my mind lately. Seems like I'm having a moment to share it. I just feel like writing it down.

So, I know this guy from high school. We were once classmates. He was... what to put it ya? Hmm. Smart. Yup, he was smart (and I believe he still is). And unlike most "smart people" I know (and unlike what common belief states), he was not a quiet guy. He was sort of, you know, talkative. He talked much. He said what he wanted to say. Probably it was also why sometimes he had been mistaken. Some people took him as a "smartass". Or maybe they were just pissed because when he talked, he sort of blew their mind. Or maybe he was just right.

There you go. Maybe it would sound a little bit too personal, but I did think he was (almost) always right. Sometimes it irritated me, but sometimes it's just because he was right. Again everytime he talked to me, he blew my mind. He and I were pretty close. We talked a lot (define 'a lot'). We shared a lot. And with an addition of a bit of this and that, bamm, I sort of had a crush on him.. or a fling, name it (Geez. Just an old story, isn't it? Lol), lasted until we moved to the next grade, which made us not a classmate anymore (boo!)

We didn't talk that much anymore. The moments were gone, so was the fling. But we still remained friends (of course, duh), and by friends, we still got to see each other at some particular school events and stuff (this is pretty lame, but I hardly remember how and when.. I guess we both were in the school board or something :p) And so on, so on,.. until we graduated, until we completely didn't get to see each other. By the way, he went to a university out of town, and so did I. Different universities, different cities.

Months after the graduation day, we got a chance to meet again. I don't remember how, but he was in town. We arranged a meet up (with some other high school friends that happened to be in town as well). It was years ago, kinda blurry, but one thing I most remember is that I was in my lowest point. Just as I said before, it was months after graduation, and we just entered the university life- a first year university student. Things were all new; fun and, at the same time, scary. Good but tough, if you know what I mean. And there was also something 'else', a problem that brought me to my "darkest moment" (at least that's what I felt back then). And I met him. I met him at that particular time.

Oh, and this is also one thing I like about him, he does care. He cares about his friends. I just like how someone asks simple questions about how - "how are you?" "how you doing?" "how's thing going?" and stuff. He's that type of guy.

So yeah, I ended up telling him EVERYTHING. We talked a lot, for hours. And again, he blew my mind. As he did back when we were high school. As he always did. He gave me some advice. More than that, he gave me some insight. Normally, I would just have lots to argue, but not with this guy.

After that, we only talked through social media; once in a while. We had never meet each other again...

...not until a few days ago, literally. And he has changed a lot. Not in a bad kinda way, more like "he has grown up much". But one thing that has never changed: he still blows my mind..

Moral of the story? Umm.. not sure if there's any. But one question: in life, do you have this one (or two, maybe three) particular person who always, may I repeat, ALWAYS, blows your mind everytime he/she talks to you? It is something like "Well, true.. right.. yes.. I do feel it too.. Right.. Damn right.." Do you? Apparently I do, and I think I have some. And that one guy is one of them.

Ah, you know who you are :)

I hate you. No offense.

I really hate it when someone starts to add "no offense" to their opinion, mostly in an argument, in an opinion which clearly is intended to against other's opinion. Gahh! I hate the words! No offense? really?

As for me, "no offense" is just another way to say "I offend you but I don't want to sound like a bad person". It's sarcastic and mean. It's such a weapon. It's like a virus, because it can infects other words, and eventhough you will put a smiley face after that, that smiley face will look like an evil smirk to me.

"No offense" is just full of sarcasm. It actually makes it clear that the person offends you. And I know that this sound a bit too personal, but when someone uses "no offense", it seems to me that they think they're right, as if their opinion is what matters the most.

Thus, "no offense" to me is so offensive. Cut it off, baby, just cut it off.

Choosing or falling?

"Often, we fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time." - unknown

Found that particular quote while scrolling down my Twitter timeline, and my first response was "true that". I remember that someone ever told me that the term "falling in love" was wrong. He said that we chose to love. And I was like, "really?"

I mean, do we choose it? Choose is an active verb. We can choose because we have choices; we have options. I don't think that's the case of love. Love is something unexpected. It simply comes out of nowhere. Most of the time, we are not really sure how, when, and why it all begins. It just happens.

Besides, love is an abstract thing. People say that it's like wind: we cannot see and touch it, yet we can feel it. As for me, I can't quite define what love is. What is love? What we should feel so that we can be considered as "being in love"? If love itself is hard to define, how can one even 'choose' to love? Really?

I still believe that being in love is something that happens 'accidentally'. Yes, falling; that's the word.

*put any emoticon here*

"People change. Feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart." - (500) days of summer.

There's a guy. He was my bestfriend. "Was", because sadly I don't know where we stand now. We used to talk a lot. We used to share almost everything. We completed each other's sentences. We called each other bestfriends. Because of something, I guess we are falling apart; drifting away from each other. I don't know what that "something" exactly is, though.

See, the worst feeling ever isn't not being able to talk to the one you used to talk to, but not knowing how, why, and since when it all happened. We now barely talk; it seems to me that he even avoids me. And yup, I don't know how and why and since when it all began.

Many questions are running through my head, and I keeps assuming. I know, why don't I just ask? That will make things clearer, won't it? Gah. Not a chance. Not an answer. I even started to believe that he himself doesn't know what's going on.

All I know that he keeps messing with my head. In some points, I know there's something wrong with him, with us. But in some points, he can come and make everything looks pretty normal, before it's back abnormal again the other day.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon this one particular quote. It said "sometimes you just outgrow people. Don't try to fix it or repair it, just accept it and move on." Dang! As if a million knives had just been stabbed to my back, it hurt. So much.

Over and over again, I've been trying to fix things up; mending my friendship with him. The worst part is I don't even know what I'm trying to fix. I always thought that there's something left, eventhough it's just a tiny little piece of us. I keep asking myself why; keep assuming how. I keep trying to take back what I had yesterday, despite the fact that it has been gone away. He keeps messing with my head, and mostly because I let him to. *sigh

Well yeah, I guess sometimes we just outgrow people. No need to ask why. People who meant to stay in our life will stay eventually, but those who don't will leave, sooner or later. No matter how precious he is. No matter how much he means to me. No matter how my heart and head keep telling me that he's the one.

I just miss him so much. End of conversation.

Home is a four letter word.

"Just know that wherever you go, you can always come home" - 93 Million Miles, Jason Mraz.

Life has never been easy and truth is ugly. Sometimes my road seems like a dead end, or a neverending maze with no way out. But when things are about to get worse, I'm glad to know there are always hands I can hold on to, shoulders to lean on to. Wonder how they're never tired of getting me back to the right track, wonder why they never give up.

But then, I couldn't be any more grateful than this.
I call them home. And just like love and life, home is a four letter word.

Sincerely, the lost and found. Big Time.

Very well, but..

One day, my cousin texted me and said, more or less, "Listen to this song." And then he sent me the song. It was a girl singing with a guitar, and the song was not familiar. It was beautiful though.

Then, just like what I always do everytime I discover a good song, I quickly googled it up. Wikipedia said, it was a popular old song, composed by Hoagy Carmichael in 1939 based on an old poem by Jane Brown Thompson. And here is the lyric, read carefully.

I Get Along Without You Very Well

I get along without you very well,
of course I do.
Except when soft rains fall and drip from leaves
then I recall
the thrill of being sheltered in your arms.
Of course I do,
but I get along without you very well. 

I've forgotten you just like I should,
of course I have.
Except to hear your name
or someone's laugh that is the same,
but I've forgotten you just like I should. 

What a guy,
what a fool am I
to think my breaking heart could kid the moon
What's in store?
Should I phone once more?
No, it's best that I stick to my tune. 

I get along without you very well,
of course I do.
Except perhaps in Spring,
but I should never think of Spring
for that would surely break my heart in two.

And I was like, what a poem! I don't mean to sound mellow or something, but it felt like reading someone's struggling after a horrible break-up, fighting one broken heart, and trying to feel fine when she's not. On her mind, she thinks she has moved on, while in fact she's not, just yet. Excepts and buts are sort of instruments to legitimate her feeling towards all of this moving-on things. And it got me thinking:

"Don't we sometimes act that way?"

Sometimes we pretend we're good, we try to believe everything's okay, while deep inside our heart there's uncertainty. We are just not really sure about what we feel.

Denial, denial, denial.

I'm not saying that we should give up or something, it is probably more like, why don't we sit back and admit that we are not fine?

Anyway, despite the ugly things, well done, Thompson, for describing how it (most likely) feels...